If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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