I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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