We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I am naked and annoyed.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
