Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
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At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
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We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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