My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
