my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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