So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
