i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i need an iv and a liver transplant
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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