Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
