i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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