I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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