i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
