I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
