He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
