i already hear my dad disowning me
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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