I'm laying in your front yard are you home
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Quick, to the slutcave!
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
