remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
