I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
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Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
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So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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