Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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