I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
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Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
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My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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