I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
