So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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