I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Let's get the cat blown out
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
