I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
