When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
