I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
