apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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