Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
