My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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