Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
