worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Randomize
