i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
