My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
he laminated a picture of his dick.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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