Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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