I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
