No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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