Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Sext me about skeletons
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
