Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize