i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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