i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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