the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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