Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
