You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
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