I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
