For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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