i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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