he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
