If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just had sex bonerless
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
