nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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