oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I have fence marks all over my body
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
