I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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