Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
