i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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