my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
