He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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